joint

haven't been posting much lately,
been working on some joint blogs with friends,
will be back posting regularly very soon though :]

until

until today.

i thought i was doing well,
until today.
i thought i was coping okay,
until today.
i thought the tears might just have stopped visiting me,
until today.

space

i miss having personal space,
it's not that much to ask for is it?
i just miss having my own room,
my own space,
my own bed,
my place to lie down and cry,
and let it all out.
here this is no personal space,
i have no space, no room,
no place to just lie down and cry.
i've resorted to the bathroom, the shower,
the one place left,
where i'm left alone,
given some personal space.
i just need some time alone,
and i can't even have that.

resorting

so i've been resorting to two things lately.
1. comfort food
2. retail therapy
which means i'm going to become fat, and even more broke than i already am.
wew..
i need to stop pigging out,
and maybe get a job, if i can ever be bothered,
and if i'm ever allowed.
sighs.

emptiness

maybe i should have something to eat,

but food won't take this emptiness away,

i'm hungry for you my love.

is there a remedy for hating,

every second that i'm without you.

all this life is all for love,

it's the only road i'll choose.

maybe.

sigh these long, hot days start to drag on and on again.
nights seem to go on forever, when i lie there wide awake, not being able to sleep.
as it gets later, thoughts get more negative maybe.
i as usual think about people, how i miss them, how i miss melbourne.
then i think about how they're all still having fun back there,
the parties, the gatherings, or just going out.
they're probably fine without me anyway,
it's probably not as hard for them,
maybe.

shot

June: The pilots are dead!
Milner: Yeah, they've been shot.
June: By who?
Milner: By me. No, actually, I shot the first pilot, then he accidentally shot the second pilot. It's just one of those things.

knight and day, good movie :]

just

I just kinda miss you.. alot.... like alot alot.

yep, true story.

cold

i miss cold melbourne weather.
i miss sitting by the heater.
i miss the thick jumpers,
the tights,
the boots,
the scarves.
i miss that icy cold wind.
i miss winter.
i don't like this unbearable, burning summer heat.

dreams

I can sleep forever these days, 
cause in my dreams I see you again.

[lyrics stolen off a particular creep's blog]

i love how easy it is to relate to lyrics..
three times in a row now,
on the plane, that night, then last night too.
not the exact same dream,
yet still similar. 
maybe when you miss someone,
your subconsciousness knows that,
so then they appear in your dreams?
maybe just maybe.

lost

there are times, when i just feel lost.
like i don't know what i'm missing,
or what i've done wrong,
if anything?

away

basically what i do now.
when it's so hot,
and there's nothing to do,
and not many people are online thanks to time difference..
i have to find ways to pass time.
why do minutes tick pass so slowly?
it feels like hours should have passed and it's only been minutes.
so sleeping it is..
because it's faster than watching movies and eating and listening to music,
it's the easiest way of making time pass.

passes

"time passes, even if it seems impossible"
it's true, as hard as it is, time still passes.
as much as seconds, minutes, hours drag on,
and on and on?
time still passes.

fucker

i miss you too, you little fucker ;]

home

first post in taiwan.
yep currently 7400+ km away from melbourne,
from home.
i miss it so much already,
well the people mainly i guess.
i've only been here about 24 hours,
but it seems so much longer..
time here is passing so unimaginably slowly,
it just seems so drag on and on,
an hour seems more like half a day.
it's so hot and humid, yet it's raining crazy so you don't even want to go out.
i spent the day eating, watching tv, sleeping, and just lying with my ipod.
thinking.
thinking back to good memories,
to the people i miss already,
to the places,
to even the cold weather.
i just miss it so much already.
this is going to be longer and harder than i ever imagined.

dreamed

i've never slept so much on a plane before..
i slept for the majority of the 9 hour flight.
i also dreamed, for the first time.
i never dream on planes, ever,
never in my..15 years flying.
and when i dreamed,
i dreamed of people,
of things,
of places.

messed

i am completely, utterly messed up,
and slightly fucked up in the head.
maybe i knew all along,
or maybe i just realised now,
what a mess i am.
but for those who can still deal with it,
still care, still want and still love me? 
they'll never know how much that means to me,
how much i admire them,
or how much they mean to me.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 

as Marilyn Monroe once said..
though it's an understatement,
because i'm really fucking insecure,
i make lots of mistakes,
and i'm quite out of control,
and definitely hard to handle..
but i guess it's a quote to keep in mind.

names

you can call me names all you like,
stupid insults like that?
go ahead.
it seemed like you were expecting a reply?
well sorry but even if you did,
i'm not going to stoop that fucking low,
and resort to calling people names to make myself feel better.
i can't even be bothered with your immature crap anymore.
get fucking over yourself.

reckless

young and reckless,

that's just who we are.

numb

right now,
i'm just numb, and almost empty.
but mainly i'm just tired.
tired from getting up at 4am to watch soccer,
then getting up a few hours later,
to face 8 hours of work exp.
tired from the 7 hours of non stop work i had to do.
tired from the crying i already did today.
tired from getting mad at them again.
tired from holding back the tears and pretending it's okay.
i'm just fucking tired.

simple

because the normal breakdowns are simple,
it's just tears flowing down and down.
it doesn't stop, it just seems to keep going.
but then sometimes you get these ones,
where the tears become sobs and gasps.
and you just want it to end,
you just want the tears to stop,
the hurt to stop.

yep

so right now,
there's nothing i want to do more,
than just cry.