cold

i miss cold melbourne weather.
i miss sitting by the heater.
i miss the thick jumpers,
the tights,
the boots,
the scarves.
i miss that icy cold wind.
i miss winter.
i don't like this unbearable, burning summer heat.

dreams

I can sleep forever these days, 
cause in my dreams I see you again.

[lyrics stolen off a particular creep's blog]

i love how easy it is to relate to lyrics..
three times in a row now,
on the plane, that night, then last night too.
not the exact same dream,
yet still similar. 
maybe when you miss someone,
your subconsciousness knows that,
so then they appear in your dreams?
maybe just maybe.

lost

there are times, when i just feel lost.
like i don't know what i'm missing,
or what i've done wrong,
if anything?

away

basically what i do now.
when it's so hot,
and there's nothing to do,
and not many people are online thanks to time difference..
i have to find ways to pass time.
why do minutes tick pass so slowly?
it feels like hours should have passed and it's only been minutes.
so sleeping it is..
because it's faster than watching movies and eating and listening to music,
it's the easiest way of making time pass.

passes

"time passes, even if it seems impossible"
it's true, as hard as it is, time still passes.
as much as seconds, minutes, hours drag on,
and on and on?
time still passes.

fucker

i miss you too, you little fucker ;]

home

first post in taiwan.
yep currently 7400+ km away from melbourne,
from home.
i miss it so much already,
well the people mainly i guess.
i've only been here about 24 hours,
but it seems so much longer..
time here is passing so unimaginably slowly,
it just seems so drag on and on,
an hour seems more like half a day.
it's so hot and humid, yet it's raining crazy so you don't even want to go out.
i spent the day eating, watching tv, sleeping, and just lying with my ipod.
thinking.
thinking back to good memories,
to the people i miss already,
to the places,
to even the cold weather.
i just miss it so much already.
this is going to be longer and harder than i ever imagined.

dreamed

i've never slept so much on a plane before..
i slept for the majority of the 9 hour flight.
i also dreamed, for the first time.
i never dream on planes, ever,
never in my..15 years flying.
and when i dreamed,
i dreamed of people,
of things,
of places.

messed

i am completely, utterly messed up,
and slightly fucked up in the head.
maybe i knew all along,
or maybe i just realised now,
what a mess i am.
but for those who can still deal with it,
still care, still want and still love me? 
they'll never know how much that means to me,
how much i admire them,
or how much they mean to me.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 

as Marilyn Monroe once said..
though it's an understatement,
because i'm really fucking insecure,
i make lots of mistakes,
and i'm quite out of control,
and definitely hard to handle..
but i guess it's a quote to keep in mind.

names

you can call me names all you like,
stupid insults like that?
go ahead.
it seemed like you were expecting a reply?
well sorry but even if you did,
i'm not going to stoop that fucking low,
and resort to calling people names to make myself feel better.
i can't even be bothered with your immature crap anymore.
get fucking over yourself.

reckless

young and reckless,

that's just who we are.

numb

right now,
i'm just numb, and almost empty.
but mainly i'm just tired.
tired from getting up at 4am to watch soccer,
then getting up a few hours later,
to face 8 hours of work exp.
tired from the 7 hours of non stop work i had to do.
tired from the crying i already did today.
tired from getting mad at them again.
tired from holding back the tears and pretending it's okay.
i'm just fucking tired.

simple

because the normal breakdowns are simple,
it's just tears flowing down and down.
it doesn't stop, it just seems to keep going.
but then sometimes you get these ones,
where the tears become sobs and gasps.
and you just want it to end,
you just want the tears to stop,
the hurt to stop.

yep

so right now,
there's nothing i want to do more,
than just cry.

road

FUCK THE WORLD, FEED IT BEANS.

we'll walk this road together,

through the storm,

whatever weather,

cold or warm.

crazy

i cannot fucking live without my phone,
have i mentioned that?
but during work experience,
as i walked into the toilet,
my phone slipped out of my coat pocket..
and into the fucking toilet.
yeah lots happened after that while i tried to bring it back to life.
it turned bright, turned off and just went fucking crazy.
i need it fixed before we leave in..oh just a few days.
FUCK MY LIFE. FUCK.MY.LIFE.
i need my phone. :(

something

because i know you well enough,
i found it again, as you probably expected?

maybe you know why,
but i don't?
what am i missing?
and who is them?
is it weird that i have no clue who you're talking about?
so many questions,
so much confusion.
after a long day, i feel kind've lost,
like i'm missing something..
but i just don't get what.

naws

 naws,

i like cute things like these.

breakfast suddenly looks so much more appealing..

build

visitor

a visitor during the 45 minute break during a long work experience is always good :)
the day passed faster than i thought it would too..
beats day one that's for sure.

Children:

Children:
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

fairy

i miss fairy bread.
i used to always have fairy bread,
ages and ages ago.
i like fairy bread.
i want some fairy bread.
major.fairy.bread.craving.

technique

so maybe i stole your technique,
it's smart though,
nothing a little foundation and scarf can't hide..baha ;)

wexp

day 1 of work experience.
one word to sum it up: shit.
yeah everyone ooh-ed and ahh-ed when they heard country road,
but it's not fun.
9.30-5.30 every day,
8 hours a day -1 hour break= 7 hours standing/running around.
7 hours where you can't sit down, not once.
order clothes from XXS-XL, tag them, fold them, neaten them, organise them.
help the customers, clothing and shoes, sizes colours and styles.
upstairs to the storeroom, downstairs to the shoes.
well 1 day down, 4 to go.
fuck my life?

both

because tonight we somehow figured out we have a lot more in common,
more than maybe either of us of knew.
school never really showed us that i guess. 
we can both do this,
promise me you'll never give up.
as hard as it is,
as hard as it will and might get,
please don't give up.
we can face these things,
both of us. 
we can do this.

sunday.

sunday. a day for us to get out of the house i guess.
it hasn't been the easiest time for some of us lately but we'll live.
things got better in the end anyways.
get him to the greek was a good movie choice,
the comedy managed to get a few laughs or at least smiles out of everybody :)
time outside state, just us, was definitely good.
to talk and to purely spend time together.
must thank the others for leaving and giving us space haha.
oh and i'm not complaining that metro fucked up and trains cancelled and delayed,
because it meant more time together :)
everything will be okay, no matter what,
don't forget that.

"When the world slips you a Jeffrey, stroke the furry wall."

"So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, but it's peppered with hate. Hateful respect."

"I'm mind fucking you right now."


"Oh, it's a bit of this, a bit of that. It's called a Jeffrey. It's mostly weed, with a bit of opium as well... ground-up E's... heroin... chlorox..."

"I have to sneeze... and I'm afraid that if I do... my bowels will evacuate..."

[in a text] "Where the fuck are you? I am gonna kill you. Smiley face."

life,

A: "Which is more important to you, your life or me?"

B: "Before I answer that, let me ask you first."

A: "Sure."

B: "Is there a difference between you and my life?"

you

wow, so unimaginably true..

you, blogs, coffee.

shrek

LAST FUCKING DAY OF TERM TWO TODAY.
hard to believe we survived such a long term,
parts of it seemed so long and seemed to drag on forever,
but now it seems like it went past kind've quick.
afternoon/night well spent at box hill, with two amazing people.

being with you, laughter, priceline adventure,dinner box, melting igloos, shrek, photos, potato gems and just a little bit of fun. 

haha, perfect picture..

rings

such an addiction..
you can never have enough rings right?

we're

Cause we're on the beach

Side by side

There's sand in our toes

Tonight

The moonlight

The waves

Chasing our feet

times

because there are times,
things happen,
things change,
when you lose hope in people,
when you lose respect for them,
or maybe when you lose the trust you had in them.

mask

"But we all have our masks. We pretend that we are happy, when we aren't. But you know, sometimes those masks don't completely hide that hurt person inside, and that sadness and sorrow shows."

i guess you're right, at times we do all have that mask.
that mask that's used at school everyday,
pretending to be happy, even when you're not.
that mask that used to be worn at home too.
but maybe people get tired of wearing that mask,
and maybe that sadness does show.
the fact that maybe i'm sad sometimes,
and that maybe i show it,
doesn't exactly make me a moody bitch, does it?
it shows i'm a fucking human being,
and maybe you've forgotten,
but i have feelings too.

theory

because in the end, that week before my theory exam actually payed off.
if i didn't pass my grade 4 theory, i'd fuck up my grade 8 piano..
which would be shit.
results came back today though..
91%! fuck yeah haha.
major, major fluke.
not that i'm complaining..

phone,

a few months later i finally find that stupid phone cord..
couple of shots from the past month or two,

the one month ♥;
red rose,

the camberwell adventures;
the crazy times with the 3am buddy,

TGI gathering, cocktails and shooters;

mm vodka and midori,

'abuse'

maybe it still hasn't occurred to you,
that my friends and i aren't as sad as you and yours.
we have more a life,
then to go on your formspring's,
and send stupid, immature comments to 'abuse' you.
maybe it's something you guys would do, but no us.
so get fucking over yourselves already.

because,

because there are always nights like this.
negative, idiotic, sad thoughts flooding in.
that feeling of a slight hopelessness.
why though?
i can't even do anything about it.
just have to wait for it to pass i guess.

hear

there's a reason i close my door.
a reason why i have my headphones in.
a reason why the music is so loud i can't hear anyone.
so it'd be nice, if you didn't just barge in,
accuse me of sleeping and not doing homework,
and then walking out leaving the door open.
you didn't even notice anything quite obviously different.
people are so fucking oblivious sometimes.

happy.

it has been a while..quite a while in fact,
but i can say that this long weekend,
i felt happy.
it's been a while since i've said that,
and i thank the people who were able to make me feel that way again these few days.

safe

in the cinema,
lights out,
movie playing,
close to you,
an arm wrapped around me,
fingers locked,
the feeling of safe,
warm,
comfortable,
happy.
suddenly no stresses,
no worries,
no fear,
no unhappiness.

groan

Germany? FOUR FOR YOU GERMANY, YOU GO GERMANY. And none for Australia, bye.

mm it was so worth staying up till 4.30am to watch australia vs. germany this morning,

and going to bed at 6.30am feeling dead,

just to watch australia get owned by germany 4-0 with germany scoring in the first ten minutes,

and cahill getting red carded?!

what bull shit..

a few hours sleep before heading off to the city for the day.

3 asians + 1 random white kid? 

ahaha, pretty much watched prince of persia and chilled in the city,

boyfriend and best friend, what more could i ask more?

fun train ride home too, haha *groan* stef ;)

LGMH

lately, some people have mentioned a new site called "love gives me hope",
so i went to check it out just then..

My best friend suffers from allergies to 17 different types of foods.

A while back, a boy asked me for a list of these foods.

That boy is now her boyfriend. He changed his entire diet just so he could kiss her whenever he wanted.

He vowed never to eat those foods again and so far hasn't. His LGMH

unhealthy

i have an unhealthy addiction to these..
why do they have to taste so.fucking.good?

♥

more

mm another worthwhile day today.
besides chinese school in the morning..
jay's last day in melbourne before AMERICA..
got to dnm with another friend for the first time in a while too.
headed off to shoppo with the sister and cousin,
and had our usual gathering at tgi's
i had a strawberry daiquiri mmm, and cousin had a pina colada (mine's better)
then shopped a bit before i left to see the amazing boyfriend :)
we went to friday's and had shooters,
can i say i really love vodka and midori?
then spent some time in the park together,
before the best friend came too and the three of us chilled for a while.
overall a very nice day, i couldn't ask for more.

t bar

first day of the long weekend well spent i'd say..
spent the morning with jay, sarah and kerry shopping around chadstone,
all investing in $25 t shirts at t bar, wew!
went to as many shops as we could and me and jay went crazy on rings haha.
we bumped into so many other plc's there it was weird..
then we all got world cup coca cola glasses from maccas (Y)
met up with other sarah and her little brother for lunch along with a few others from our class
afterwards me and sarah dropped her little brother back home,
then headed to the city, which ended up taking way over an hour..
but it was worth it as we both got to see our boyfriends.
seeing him was definitely the highlight of my day :)
wait make that of my week.
the other two weren't with us for long, one had to leave so the other did too,
so we got to spend time, just us outside state.
overall a good day,
i feel better than i have in a while.

fear

fear.
–noun

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined;the feeling or condition of being afraid.

the simple, common fears,fear of spiders.
fear of clowns.
fear of heights.
and the not so simple fears,
fear of that feeling again.
fear of losing the little things that make me happy.
fear of losing you.

alone

*tiff
*just remember one thing for me
*your not alone...

i'll try, i really will.
but i've never, ever felt more alone in my life.
like i am surrounded by people yet still..so alone.
like there are times where it's just me and no one else.
like i have no one to go to anymore.

deal

maybe a little hurt,
maybe a little bit of pain with it too,
but what can we do?
it's a part of life,
we just have to learn to deal with it.
i just have to learn to deal with it.

here

some

i guess some things just ending up meaning more than others,
some things just end up meaning less?
and those that mean less,
just end up fading away into the background a little?
maybe that's just how things work?
i don't know.